Bumming around town with Bill Bumerton

Bumerton is a retired Navy fighter pilot who had been missing in action for several years while he traversed the globe looking for greener grass. He discovered the grass is only greener here (it’s blue in Kentucky), so he returned to again take charge of his 1954 green Hudson Hornet that had been in storage, refilled his pipe, and is continuing his smokin’ ways. Here is what he recently told us at the Sports Paper.

Boy, Big Dawg, there is a mad scramble for the two wildcard spots in the American League as the season is down to its last six weeks. Tampa Bay, Baltimore, the Yankees, Oakland (or Texas), Cleveland, and even Kansas City have a shot.  It looks like the two wildcards in the National League will come from the Central Division. St. Louis and Cincinnati will likely be the two, unless Central leading Pittsburgh falters, and then the Pirates will grab a wildcard. I really think, Big Dawg, that this is a golden season for MLB. There are some very good teams and some very good young players.

Alex Rodriguez kissing up

Now if only MLB can rid itself of the irritation that is A-Rod, things could be wonderful. If A-Rod fails in his appeal, and I’m hoping he does, I think he and others accused of taking PEDs should start what Jerry Seinfeld called “The Bizarro World.” Only it would be renamed MBWL – Major Bizarro World League. Only those players who have been accused, convicted or penalized for taking PEDs would be eligible for this league. They would all have to submit to testing to make sure they are on PEDS. Failure to test positive for PEDs would be grounds to be banned for life. I’d open up the league a bit and allow gamblers like Pete Rose and bad dudes like Ty Cobb to be eligible. Barry Bonds could come back just on character alone, although the league would also welcome him for his allegded PED use. Rocket Roger would be eligible. A-Rod would be league commissioner as well as a player and maybe even a manager and owner of a team. Heck, we might even name the league after him – A-Rod’s Bizzaro World League. … In a world where bad news sells – and we see and hear and read about tons of it every day – I think it’s worth noting, Big Dawg, that Robby Thompson, interim manager for those Marinaros of yours, is doing a good job. I like him. He’s direct and honest and there isn’t a trace of BS. It’s nice to see. … Johnny Football sure seems to ride the edge doesn’t he? He reminds me a little of Joe Namath, the Broadway Joe Namath that was the toast of the Big Apple when he played for the Jets. If Johnny Manziel can get that far, and the way he rides along the edge all the time there is some doubt, he could be fun to read about in the NFL. He might not be fun to coach, though. … Speaking of college football, Kent State has a running back that could be the sleeper on the national stage this year. He is Dri Archer, a 5-8, 175-pound senior that last year rushed for 1,429 yards, averaging nine yards every time he touched the ball. Kent State has started a Heisman campaign for him. It’s a superhero cartoon called “The Archer” and a Kent State alumnus is doing the drawings. Anybody who runs for nearly 1,500 yards, though, is no cartoon character. … I think, Big Dawg, that we should invent a golf tour for those of us who can’t shoot it straight. It would be divided into two divisions. The Open Division for guys with handicaps no higher than 20 and the Closed Division for those of us with handicaps over 20. We would have to cap that division in case you tried to enter. We wouldn’t want somebody who regularly shot in the 175-area, so we would cut it off at a 40 handicap. The first two days would be stroke play and we’d cut to the top eight for match play. We’d have to get some big name sponsors, maybe like The Sports Paper, to fund it. We would call the tour – the PGGA (the Pretty Good Golf Association). We would, of course, test for PEDS, but not for beer.